10/31/2002




10/26/2002

Nothing new here really. my lack of updates pretty much represents the lack of events in my life, so if you look at it that way, this page is the most up to date of any.

Im working on the fact that Im fat and ugly. Ive been losing weight at a fairly constant rate and once I got it going, I hardly even have to do anything and it keeps going down. Ive lost about 70 pounds total, however, 25 of them were lost before I really started trying to lose weight. I was like 300 at one point.. then I was down to about 275 for a very long time. Im not sure how it got to that point, but no matter what I did, it wouldnt go away. however.. it wouldnt go up either. lots of exercise, lack of food, tons of food, no exercise,.. nothing was changing this weight.. after about 6 months of that, I broke down and got a bottle of Stacker2. I figured maybe it would kickstart a long lost metabolisim, and boy did it.. I used it for 1 month and saw a few pounds go away. I started riding the exercise bike and noticed more weight loss. I stopped the pills and continued to exercise and maintain the same diet. finally now, exercise alone was making a difference.. after I got down to 265, which was 10 pounds, I stoped everything and ate whatever I wanted for about 2 months.. I was able to maintain my weight within a pound or two in either direction,.. at the end of the 2 months I was 263. I then decided to start lifting weights again. muscle weighs more than fat, so I decided to start taking walks too. that way, I could lose weight, build muscle back to where it used to be, and hopefully still go down on the scale, rather than up. I found a nice route thats 6 miles long. Im able to do it in 90 minutes, and eventually I did it in a record time for myself of 75 minutes. For a little bit, just as an experiment of about 1 month I switched to a pill called BlackBeauty. its made by the Stacker2 people but it gets you going a little bit more, plus its got like herbs or something in it to help your skin look better.. which I needed because of stretch marks I had from both being overweight and in the areas of muscle growth from lifting too many weights too fast back in highschool. Using these before walks and after eating really got me in line. I think what was going on before was that my metabolisim was just so slow that when I ate and then exercised, I was burning what I just ate rather than what I needed to get rid of. by getting that metabolisim going again, Im able to more efficiently burn what I eat and then when I work out, Im actually burning what I need to get rid of. Now I only take a pill after the worst meals.. things that are super fatty or full of too many carbs. I use maybe 1 a week. I have hardly walked either, though during the time where I was going every other day, I was probably up to about 150 miles of ground covered. and I was enjoying it.. makes you feel pretty good.. I think what made me go down from 300 to 275 was the fact that for some reason I just got less hungry for a while and started eating less.. I didnt realize it at the time, but I just started taking less at some point. maybe it had soemthing to do with losing my job and my girlfriend of 5 years almost at the same time. however, who cares, it worked... so I also did a few days where I ate nothing. mentally you think after eating nothing that when you do eat, its gonna be a lot.. but then you sit to eat and you cant fit nearly as much.. your stomach actually shrinks.. I did this a few times and now I hardly eat 1 full serving anymore and Im satisfied.. Ive also heard that eating many small meals is better than 1 or 2 big ones... which by not fitting as much at 1 sitting anymore, this is how I am now.. supposedly doing this is another way of keeping your metabolisim more active.. and now it makes more sense to look at the people I know who seem to eat all day long and never gain a pound. Im actually doing that now.. so with all that different stuff, Ive gotten myself down to about 230 now. it bounces up and down depending on the cloths Im wearing and the time of day, so 233 to 228 is what Im bouncing around between now. when I was out of highschool I was 220 and pretty happy with the way I looked. that was my goal and Im almost there. since Im able to lose weight even when I hardly do anything, Im not gonna stop working on it at 220, Im going to shoot for about 200 or so. I also figure that due to the fact that my arms are getting much bigger again, I lost more than the obvious number in bad stuff. so Im rather happy about that. when I started working after I graduated, I was eating mcdonalds every day and drinking 4 liters of mountain dew a day, and I was 220. I then got another job and stopped eating the greese food and drinking that much soda and my weight just went up up up. very odd, not sure why that was, but whatever. just for the record, Dew is my favorite, and it is one thing I made sure NOT to cut out of my intake. I enjoy it too much. I only cut back on it at the time cause people were telling me how bad the "empty calories" were.. but I think with the dew, the ammount of caffeine it offeres was actually helping me metabolize what I was eating. Makes sense since the pills are basically giant doses of caffeine... So Im working on the "fat" part... how about the "ugly"?

Well, I plan on working on the ugly soon too... those who know me know that Im talking about the damn glasses. I decided that once I save the money on the side, from things such as web hosting, saving quarters, etc.. and once I get myself down to at least 220,.. that Im going to go for Lasik Surgery. I already know where Im going and what Im having done. its just a matter of time.. If all goes well I will have this by next summer. I HATE being a slave to glasses, and I cant wear contacts, so this is for me. I cant wait. this is one of the few things I want more than Ive ever wanted anything before. I WILL get this. Ive got everything figured out, its just a matter of time now. I want to save up about $2500 for this procedure.. the procedure will only be about half of that, but I want to take a little vacation at the time I have this done. Itll almost be like starting over in a way.. I think once I do this, all my other little life problems will be a little more tolerable.

Im going to be keeping updates on here on both my physical condition any the money I have saved for this. I Just started saving coins again.. I recently cashed in the last batch and came out with $1300 which paid off my car insurance and DSL bill for 6 months. I started saving again, this time for the Lasik and Im up to about $100 in coins, and if I get the money thats owed to me for web hosting, Ill have another $600... but Im not counting on seeing that untill Its in my hand, so currently Im going to put the numbers at 235/100 and the target is 220/2500. stay tuned



10/15/2002

I feel like shit. Something is really bothering me and Im not exactly sure what it is. I have a feeling, but Im not sure. I just really feel like Im a totally worthless human being.. I just hate who I am. I kinda feel like everytime I leave the house Im just in someones way.. I feel as if my usefullness in life has passed.. as if Im a gallon of milk whos expiration date has passed and Im just a curdled pile of shit now.... I look around me, I listen to things around me, I observe... I add up what I see.. and I can only come to the conclusion that Im worthless... and I hate feeling like that, but I just do... and I cant seem to find any reason to feel otherwise.. Im just here.. and I dont know why.



10/6/2002

Its just a shame... Its just a damn shame.



10/01/2002

Contrary to what some people seem to think, the writings on this page are NOT always directly interchangable with a little yellow post it note stuck to your own personal monitor by my hands.