2001 is almost over... like anything REALLY changes between the two days...
2002 will be full of surprises... I promise you that.



* Merry Christmas *



You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing to dust
I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls

Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes
My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stopped returning all their calls

And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don't love me


"Cup Of Coffee"



Ive been sitting here for hours, days, etc... trying to figure out whats going on. whats happening and why.. endless amounts of questions keep going through my head, and not one of them seems to get answered. I have not been able to reach a conclusion or even a theroy. I just dont understand anything. Im in the dark, and no one is bringing me any light. Do I deserve this? Is it fair?... I dont know... Usually you get what you deserve.
I consider all that over and over, and can only come up with 1 possible meaning.
Im a bad person.
I have to be... I never really thought of myself that way,.. but I must be.. its the only thing that makes sense. I cant figure it any other way. I dont know what to do to change,. I just dont know anything..


Its Snowing Now.
The first one of the year

I remember as a child, loving that first snow.. maybe school will be called off, or let out early. We can go sleigh riding, or have a snowball fight. Winter was here.. Maybe just maybe, we would have a white christmas. Ive always loved snow.

I remember as I got older, I still loved that first snow, but for different reasons. I still loved not having school, but there was just something about that activity of falling snow that captured my attention. Watching it gather and stick to the ground. Watching the way it would stack up on the branches of the bare trees. The earth around you getting covered, almost like it was going to sleep after a long hard and hot summer. Its just realy beautiful.
Dad and his snowmobile,.. we couldnt wait to get that thing going as soon as there was enough white stuff on the ground. Wed go for hours through the woods, down the streets, all over the place. My Sisters and I would go sleighriding and build a bobsled track in the yard. We could ride out there for hours. Hanging out with my neighbors in the same day.. Sharing plowing duties with them, getting the job done twice as quick.

Getting older still, starting to drive, I still loved snow, but found myself hoping it would hold off while I was on the road. I still got happy when it would fall for the first time though, even if I was in my car.. if its not sticking to bad, like a real powdery fall, watching it sweep down and go right towards the windshield of the car, and then shoot straight up over the car is just so cool. Its almost like a starfield simulation... besides, maybe I wont have to go to work tomorrow. :)

And then older yet.. Looking forward to sharing that first snow with someone was the best feeling of them all.. maybe we would go for a walk, maybe we would cuddle on the couch and watch it out the window.. it didnt matter, as long as I was sharing it with that someone.

Ive always looked forward to the first snow of the winter, Its meant so much over so many years, all of which were special in their own way. Each new feeling bringing something new to the heart and mind while still remembering and loving all the old feelings.

Its Snowing Now....
This is the first one of the year....
But for the first time, Is got me down.
I was just standing by my basement door, watching it fall, feeling empty.
I dont go to school anymore, besides, its a saturday. I dont have anyone left to throw it at. Im home, Im not going to go drive in it just to drive in it. I am currently working my own schedule and business, so theres no fun in staying home from work,.. and nothing else on the list seems to matter right now. Not even Christmas. Im not really looking forward to the holidays at all. Its a lonely snowfall. Dads been gone for over 10 years, The family structure isnt what it used to be,.. The neighbors are grown up or moved on, things arent structured quite the same there anymore either.... Theres no one by my side right now. Its cold for the first time in my life. Very cold.

I could go outside right now, and have snowflakes falling from my eyes.


Yeah, so Im not just getting home... I simply was too lazy/and/or didnt care to update sooner. Not that the trip wasnt worth talking about.. theres just so much going on right now...

So we started off, Myself and Immortalis Driving down to Trainmasters house to go on our little road trip. We set off and had a good ride, watching Jay and Silent Bob Stike Back on my laptop (I plan on buying it as soon as its out 2/12/2001 so I dont feel bad about having a downloaded version of it. We also brought a small TV and a DVD Player to watch the other movies, but we ended up not hooking it all up. After a few tolls and some reading of the directions, we found our selves driving right past Kevin Smiths Comic Book Store Jay and Silent Bobs Secret Stash. So we found a place to park, and walked to the store.. very cool place,.. lots or props from the movies, as well as being the film spot in the latest movie, where Brodie had is own comicbook store (and the brodie sign was in there too). They had the jsb costumes from mallrats, the chopped wing chest plate armor, and the poop monster from dogma, the cigarette machine from chasing amy, and even the sign that states "new movies" from clerks. (which I happened to take a peek at the back side of, and it turns out that the sign they drew was on the back of a "eye of the beholder" poster). we all made some purchases,.. Immy got some comics, Trainmaster got a buddy Christ figure, and I got some shirts, posters, and stickers. My current favorite shirt, the black "Im not even supposed to be here today" which I have been wearing nonstop. I have to take it off and wash it though, cause it might be starting to stink :) Why do I like it so much? Its a very long story... so after that stop, we went across the street to Jack Music Shoppe, which is a spot for a big sceene in chasing amy. Trainmaster and I both got a CD in there,.. though his CD was the Time, which had Jungle Love on it (joke from the newest movie), next to the music place is where Holden and Bankys office was in that movie, but we didnt go in there. We went back to the Van, and headed off to find the Marina Diner, the place where the eat twice in chasing amy. We had our meals, I ordered a toasted bagel with cream cheese, as per jay,.. but I didnt tell anyone to kiss my grits. So we finished there, and went on to the QuickStop and RST Video, place of clerks. we go drinks, candy, and some pens they were selling. (some very wacky drinks which Ill get in to some time.) Trainmaster also bought a used video from RST.. so that was our day.. pretty cool stuff to go and check out if you like the Kevin Smith series of films. The funny part is that Trainmaster and I are pretty sure that we have been to the diner and the quickstop before... my Grandfather (his father) like to go fishing, and used to go right down to that area to fish in the ocean sometimes. a few times he got mixed up and we couldnt find the boat launch, we are pretty sure that the quickstop was where he stoped and asked for directions... and we are almost 100% sure that we have eaten at the Marina Diner after fishing (cause going out to eat was tradition after a fishing trip, we remember the place and its right on the way home) note that this would have been years before clers was filmed, but its still pretty cool to see these places so close to home getting so popular. In dogma, the opening sceene is on a boardwalk which we also used to go to all the time as childern.. there was a Berkleys Candy Store there that we would hit on each trip. its closed now, but thats the exact spot the shot was filmed, so we are probably going to make a second trip and hit some more of the spots like that. Ill post some of our pictures when we get them back. if anyone has questions, just e-mail me.



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