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06/26/2003 -=2=-

So my girlfriend has this friend who has a brother whos birthday is today.. 25 years old... problem is though that its only a "would have been" cause about 2 and a half years ago he got in a car with a drinking buddy and they didnt quite make it where they were going. drinking and driving is bad. it causes problems not just for the driver and passenger, but others as well, like the familys and friends... so usually when this type of stuff happens, people take the day of the accident or the birthday and just say a little piece like "dont drink and drive"... I agree and want to pass it along,. it is a terrible thing...

Ive always noticed though that drunk driver accidents seem to get more attention than most others.. not sure why that is.. maybe cause its so easilly preventable... but Im gonna go out here and say my own piece. perhaps some advice for an even more easilly preventable situation. sorta fucked me up personally, so if this helps even just 1 person... then its worth it.

At the begining of this month it was my Dads birthday... he would have been 53. problem is, he left us at 40. Ive never said much about it here, but feel like I should now. At 13, a few days before you turn 14, you are perhaps at a point in your life where your going to need your dad the most.. its hard when hes suddenly not there anymore. Its hard when you are one of the people who encountered it where it happened. Its hard to not think theres something you could have done.... so Id just like to say "Dont work under a jacked up car without jack-stands."

06/26/2003 -=1=-

just a note Id like to make about yesterdays post, which I was going to write yesterday but didnt,.. but since someone already said something today,.. I figure I better make the note..

the poem from yesterday was actually something I started formulating about 6 months ago. Each line is actually a line from a Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Manson song.. I have been putting it together in my head and just never was able to actually start it.. good thing too cause some of it wasnt available back then... Its a bit dark, and depressed sounding.. maybe a little angry.. which I was back then. Now Im happy, and I dont want people thinking something was terribly wrong.. had a little thing happen yesterday morning which was just enough of a change to my mindset to allow that creativity to function and be inspired in that way again, to complete the project.... which I honestly thought was too cool of an idea to ignore anyway... everything for the most part is fine though, so dont worry. the concern was certainly appreciated though.


I dont care if your world is ending today
because I wasnt invited to it anyway
I know I'm slipping, I know I'm slipping
I know I'm slipping away
but that's what I get
lose me

don't open your eyes you won't like what you see
If you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean
if i was twice the man i could be
I'd still be half of what you need
I am so impure
hate me

I told you I'd never say goodbye
now Im slipping in the tears youve made me cry
you are the one I want and what I want is so unreal
help me, I broke apart my insides
I'm on a campaign for pain
smash me

this is the first day of my last days
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
He put the gun in to his face.
So much blood for such a tiny little hole.
I do not want this
erase me

I wake up everyday, the wrong side of the bed
everyone I know, goes away in the end
nothing's turning out the way I planned
there's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand
My whole existance is flawed
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
it's still getting worse after everything I've tried
this is the only time I really feel alive
My whole existance is flawed
kill me

wish there was something real wish there was something true
I got my heart but my heart's no good
I speak religion's message clear
god is dead and no one cares
smashed up what's left of me
help me, I've got no soul to sell
help me get away from myself
you'll see ten thousand lies
Grass isn't greener on the other side
smashed up what's left of me
kill me

the me that you know he doesn't come around much
he's covered with scabs he is broken and sore
the hopes and prays, the better days, the far aways
tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away
forget it
broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers
that part of me isn't here anymore
forget it
kill me


Survey Says again....

And again....


well now... what a change in one of the most well known phrases in motorsports... as of 2004, there is no more NASCAR Winston Cup Series. I recall about 3 or 4 years ago, there was rummors of Winston, (R.J. Reynolds) not sponsoring the series anymore. I believe this all had to do with the push on no advertiting for the tobacco companies, similar to when you saw cigarette ads disappear off the back of magazines for a long time... so at that time, they stoped sponsoring an actual car (the one driven by Jimmy Spencer at the time) but they continued to sponsor the series, just as they have since 1971. but now, no more. as of 2004 we will have the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series. doesnt have quite the same ring to it.. (thats funny,.. ring.,. lol) but Im sure people will get used to it, and I guess its cool. NASCAR and Nextel Communications announced yesterday a 10 Year partnetrship for the top level series sponsoring. I guess its pretty cool, if it makes the series able to continue, and possibly even better for the fans, and maybe even the drivers.. Im all for it. Nextel is a cool company.. I hope the rummor that Verizon buying Nextel is NOT true, or has been canceled if it was, cause I hate those bastards, and that would suck to have them involved in my favorite sport. In related news,.. this last week, Mark Martin broke in to the top 10 in points in the "Winston Cup" Series... I hope he can keep doing better. this weekend is a road course, which he is typically very good at. cant wait to watch. vrooom.


Ive got the greatest girlfriend.
I dont know what I did to deserve to be so happy all of a sudden.. Dont even know if I DO deserve it at all..
But Im going to take it and run like crazy, cause I am loving every minute of it.

-- note 06/17/2003 -- She says I DO deserve it... :)


Survey Says....


so... Ive been told a number of times I should put up a picture of myself on here... however, I can count the number of times I have stopped infront of a camera in the last 2 years on my nose. Now I have a recent picture, taken next to and by my incredibly beautiful and awesomely amazing, loving girlfriend.... and at her request, I am putting it up on my site... however, since I am me, and nothing is ever just simply done here,.. I figure for all those who have been wanting a pic of me, Im going to make it as difficult as possible, just for some fun. so, like.... have fun.


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